“I wish my son would just take responsibility for his actions,” laments a mother of a 14-year old son.
I couldn’t help but wonder how much responsibility this boy was given when he was younger. You see, kids can’t learn what they haven’t already been given. So, if you want to teach your child responsibility, give him some.
But parents these days are protective. It’s so bad that the media and some experts have dubbed these hovering, in-their-child’s-faces parents “helicopter parents.” They pay such close attention to their child’s problems and experiences that they stifle the development of necessary life skills, like responsibility.
So while a helicopter parent has good intentions, the constant hovering and protection she offers does little to bolster her son’s ability to take responsibility for his actions.
Similarly, if you want your child to give you greater respect, you must offer it to him in turn. How many times have you spoken to your child with a tone of disrespect (veiled in parental authority)? I have. Sometimes our emotions get the best of us. We’re allowed occasional missteps. But if regular modus operandi is that of disrespect, then that’s what you will receive in turn.
Listening is another area where parents and children struggle. The principle holds true in this case as well: plant what you want to grow, or give what you want to receive. If you want your child to listen to you, then listen to her first. Plant the seeds of listening, then nurture the skills and watch it grow.
The essence of the “plant what you want to grow” principle is simple. Children, especially young children, learn through observation. Your words have value, but not as much value as your actions.
Your kids need to see what it means to take responsibility, have respect, and listen. Everyday your children are being exposed to lessons on these critical life skills, and a plethora of others – from friends, other adults, media, etc. Often the lessons being taught are in conflict. Here’s an example:
My friends want me to lie about where I’m going after school so I can hang out with them.
A young person with helicopter parents is ill equipped to make a positive choice in this situation because he has never been allowed to make a choice without his parents hovering over him. But a child who was given responsibility and allowed to make choices (even small ones) in the past has the life skills he needs to make a positive choice.
Will kids slip up? Will they lie to their parents so they can hang out with their friends? Definitely! They’re human, just like their parents. Mistakes come with the territory. But a child who is taught foundational life skills like responsibility, respect and listening, will overcome those mistakes and learn from them.
Today, consider what you want most from your children. Then plant the seeds.
image credit: popofatticus via Flickr
